Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday to me! Happy Birthday ye old fat guy, Happy Birthday to me!

Yep, I'm 42 today and about 210lb according to last Friday's weigh in. Am I worried? Kinda, sorta, no, well....yes, no.....bah.....I don't look fatter than I did a month ago so all i can assume is that my weight lifting regime is building muscle. However, I don't look thinner either so I have to assume the fat is staying. Pity, as I had hoped by now that my body would start purging fat while it grows muscle. My clothes don't fit any differently aside from a couple tee shirts i don't usually wear feel a bit tighter, something that does concern me. I do see some differences in my chest and shoulder area and in my legs and buttocks. They're subtle but they're there. I just wish my belly would shrink down some.

But that's asking a lot when I haven't exactly been great with my diet. I haven't followed through with my plan to purge bread from my diet, something I know would make a world of difference, and my water intake has slowed down again. I've allowed myself some Xmas treats at work and some chocolate and cookies at home. Mostly, it's just making me sick. I never thought I'd see the day when treats would make me ill but that day has come. Eating real food has forever changed my life, sugary foods and overly salted and greasy fare feels like poison in my body. My body craves grapes, pineapple, apples, bananas, veggies...anything else just doesn't sit right. I usually buy cereals like Cheerios, Special K, Corn Flakes and others like them, but the other day I bought a box of an old favourite, Cap'n Crunch, as a treat. What a mistake! I had a bowl, admittedly a large bowl, and threw up half of it. It was gross. Too sweet and fake tasting. What has become of me?

And despite all of these changes, all this good food entering my body, I'm still battling my weight! Maybe once the bread is gone, things will settle down. Doesn't help that I've made a few trips to the store for pizza slices the last couple of weeks. Nor has helping myself to Red's cookie stash. What's interesting is that I'm having no real cravings. In fact, I don't even want any of this stuff. I could do without the pizza, the cookies and the chocolate. It's not like I'm feeling any sense of satisfaction afterward. About the only thing I'm eating (which I shouldn't be) that does bring me satisfaction are the sandwiches and the bread! The rest of the bad stuff is doing nothing for me.

But real food is what I crave. I like it when we cook dinner. I enjoy fruit as a snack. I'm tired of salad every day for lunch so I've started to cut back on it, but I've replaced it with soup: chicken noodle, vegetable, beef vegetable. A few more calories but good stuff overall I think. But I think I'm eating out of stress. Work has me worried, as usual. I need a new job, something I enjoy or at least don't mind doing. I hate my job, I hate talking about my job. When asked how my day was, I can't lie. It was horrible, like every other day I'm there. Why bother asking? Oh sure, you could say, well at least you have a job. Whatever. Doesn't mean I have to like it. Nor does it mean I can't bitch about it.

I think i've finally gotten over the scale. It just isn't a reliable source of information anymore. And it depresses me. I still get on it just to see where I'm at, but that's about it. Need to up the ante after the New Year. Only 9 more months until the wedding. Have to be in shape to wear the tuxedo and look good. I don't want to look fat in my wedding photos.