Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Mid week shock

Okay, so it's Wednesday and while I'd like to say things are under control again, they truly aren't. While I have managed to cut back on snacking on most bad things, I'm still snacking on some bad things. Take last night for instance. Got home from work and had some grapes while waiting for dinner. Dinner was steak and roasted veggies so that was good. Then I had a few more grapes. I can't begin to tell you how many grapes I've devoured in the past 2 weeks. Seems like we're at the store buying big bags of grapes every 3 or 4 days. And we don't just buy a couple of bunches, we fill one or two of those plastic bags the store provides for veggies and fruits. So that's a lot of grapes!

So after dinner, we decide to go for a walk, good idea since walking seems to have fallen off our list of activities in recent weeks. We're gone for more than an hour and when we return, we plop down in front of the tube with some pineapple and yes, even more grapes. But I've still got the munchies. I've been like this for a few weeks now and its insane. First, its a few Crispie Minis, then I'm munching on some Ritz crackers with peanut butter. Then a couple of squares from a chocolate bar in the fridge. Then more grapes. Monday night was similar, sitting in front of the TV eating grapes, apples, chocolate, crackers. I know it could be worse, I mean it could be a bag of chips or something else, but its all extra calories I can't afford.

At work I'm not only eating my fruit and salad, I've been ordering sandwiches from the cafeteria. Usually a turkey sandwich, but yesterday I ordered a club. And God it was good. So tack on another 400-800 calories a day in addition to everything else. And the end result? This morning I weighed 205. Yep, that's 2 more pounds since Friday. How is that at all possible?

Well, I don't think its all fat, a couple pounds are probably just bloat, but I'm still well over 200lbs. And that after all the work I did to get to 196 just a month ago. I know it seems small when you consider there are a lot of people who are 40, 50, 75 or more pounds overweight and who would love to trade places with someone who is only about 20lbs overweight currently, but when you're bigger, you don't notice an extra 5 or 10lbs. I never did when I was huge, I could lose 25lbs and not see any difference. But when you're close to your normal weight, you see every extra pound.

I actually felt thinner when I got below 200. My belly was flatter, the roundness that defined it for so many years was basically gone. Sure I still wouldn't walk around without a shirt on as I'm flabby as all Hell, but overall, I was pretty average looking. Now, my belly is back, my face is rounder and I look fat. Everytime I take my shirt off at night and look in that big mirror on the dresser in the bedroom, I cringe. I actually feel sick. Then I feel bad; the guilt sets in. I really wanted to look thinner for our engagment photos that are being taken this weekend, but I guess that won't happen. Its not that I didn't want it, I just can't seem to get it together.

I've been using stress as the biggest reason for this lack of discipline, but the truth is: I'm sick of counting calories. I'm sick of worrying about what i've eaten during the day and how many calories I have left to use. I try and eat snacks that won't burn me on the scale but even fruit has calories. I usually bring a banana, 3 apples and one of those bagged salads to work. Sometimes I bring an extra banana if they are starting to over ripen and we have too many left. But still, that's about 300-420 or so calories of just fruit during work hours. Add in the bag of salad and low calorie dressing and there's another 100-200 calories. Sometimes, I drop a couple of quarters in the candy machine and have some M&Ms. Add in the odd sandwich I might buy from the cafeteria and I'm at about 1000-1200 calories before dinner. But usually its just the fruit and salad; in truth, I rarely buy a sandwich.

But lately, I have bought the sandwich. I did Monday and Tuesday and once or twice last week I think. Some days, I've found myself craving a slice of pizza so off to the shop I go to get a slice or two. That's in addition to the fruit and salad. I think I bought the sandwiches this week because it was the better choice than devouring a slice or two of pizza. But its still off the norm for me and adding another 400-800 calories to my day, not too mention the constant munching at night.

I don't feel right, haven't in a few weeks. My mind is cluttered with things: worry, stress, whatever. Putting on weight is just one more cause for concern. I really wanted to take this fall and lose what I needed to, to get me ready for the Xmas season. But its almost mid-October and I'm falling behind. They gym has become a major chore and work is just painful. I'm spending most of my time doing things I hate with little reward at the end. My mood has brightened somewhat from where it was a week ago, but I can't honestly say I'm happy. Guess that's the story of my life though: never happy. Much of it is work related but i can't seem to find my way there.

After seeing my weight this morning, I was in shock. So what did I do? I went to the gym, as per usual, then only did 2/3 of my workout. Partly because my legs are sore from dance practice and partly because I'm bored as Hell at the gym and don't want to be there. Some new music for my MP3 player might help but I can't seem to find anything new I want. I'm so sick of the same songs. But on the plus side, I don't want to order a sandwich today nor do i want a pizza slice. No, that's a lie. I DO want a pizza slice, I just won't buy one. As for tonight? Well, its volleyball night so that means probably munching for dinner, perhaps Subway, who knows? I've just got to get a handle on my snacking. It's my mindset I can't seem to sort out. I hate the doldrums.....

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