Stress

Whoops! Missed Friday's post. I've become quite erratic when blogging here these last few weeks but to be honest, I've been busier and the stress has been building which I think is what has been affecting my eating habits.

My job is changing for one. I'm still at the same job but my duties are changing and I'm feeling very anxious about the future. I'm moving into a more technical role at my workplace and I don't know if I've got what it takes to succeed. I've taken a couple of courses offered internally to prepare myself and I found them beyond my skill set which didn't make me feel any better. Now that I've finished them, I'm expected to start moving into this new role at a time when our company is rushing to the finish line of delivering a new product. Everyone is working harder and nobody has the time to explain things to a newbie so I'm basically on my own until things settle down and people have more time. Also, it doesn't help that I hate my job anyway and need to get out of here before I lose my mind completely. The only real hope I have right now is that I finally, after a process that took over a year to complete, qualifed for a pool with the Federal Gov't for a job so I'm waiting to see if I get plucked out of that and get offered something with them. God I hope the wait isn't much longer.

More stress was added this past week when the photographer we hired to do our wedding photos went missing in action. We had booked our engagement photos for Sunday but wanted to change the location of them and sent him an email which went unanswered. Then Red called and left a message which also went unanswered. Another phone call was made on Sunday, again no reply, so we dutifully showed up at the original location to find ourselves waiting in vain for our missing photog. Not a good situation. So now we don't know what is going on with him and I've sent along another email and we'll call again later today. To say we're worried would be an understatement. There's a couple of personal issues going on too, one involving my long lost son, that I'm trying to deal with.

So add that to the fact that I can't seem to get my diet and exercise routine back on track, and you can see how I'm struggling currently. Thing is, Red's in the same mood foodwise. We're both somewhat out of control although I'm admittedly moreso. I'm still going to the gym, but I've got no gas in the tank. My workouts are long and hard; there's no steam in my stride. I probably need to change things up, God knows I've been doing the same thing for years. But my shoulder is still sore so lifting weights is out for now. And I really want to drop some more weight before I add weight by building muscle. I know it'll balance out in the end, but I need to see a lower number on that scale before I purposely raise it which is what will happen almost immediately. If only some of this stress would clear up, I'd feel better. Mostly in the job area.

BTW, I did hop on the scale Friday; it read 201.5lbs. So much for beating 200. I need to get my shit together.

Falling Down

It's Tuesday and my life appears to be back to normal professionally speaking. I spent two long weeks on course for my job teased by a tray of delicious desserts that rested on a table only 3 feet from my seat. Did I cave? Sure I did but not badly. But the whole week was out of whack and the weekend wasn't much better.

Then yesterday the hot water tank gave up the ghost so i volunteered to stay at home for the day and await the arrival of the serviceman. This, of course, is not a good plan for someone who munches out of boredom, so staying at home for the day alone isn't going to produce a good result. By mid-morning, I had enjoyed a big bowl of cereal with banana, some mini-crisps, an apple, a Wunderbar I bought on Sunday, some grapes, pineapple and strawberries. Add a couple slices of toast with peanut butter and you can see where this was going. The serviceman showed up shortly after 11 and was gone before noon leaving me the choice of heading off to work for the afternoon or continuing to enjoy an extra day off. I chose the latter. But not before deciding I needed to get out of the house for my own sake.

Later, when I got home, I enjoyed a dinner of leftover chicken breast with mushroom soup, roasted veggies and a pork chop brought home from the birthday party Saturday. The evening brought more mini crisps, grapes, pineapple and a couple of Fibre1 bars. I don't know if I missed anything here.

So, as you can see, I'm a bit out of control. I did, however, make it to the gym first thing yesterday and today so that's a good thing. I figure that since I'm back to normal here at work that things will be fine from here on out. I look fatter though, my belly is a little rounder the last week and somewhat solid. I'm a bit worried about that, and I'm not getting on the scale just yet. Quite frankly, I'm afraid of what I might see.

Holy Hell, it's been a bad week

199.5lbs. Yep, that's right, 3 extra pounds this week. Guess it's better than the 5 extra pounds I've been seeing all week, but still, its a gain and a shame. I really wasn't worried about Vancouver last weekend as the last time we went, I was fine. But this time was different. This time we were on our own for most of it, well, all of it really. Last time, we stayed with our hosts for the weekend so we only really ate during mealtime. And we walked all over downtown Vancouver which is quite large. This time, we walked, but we also sat down for beers at a patio, stopped for pizza slices a couple of times, ate chocolate bars, drank more beer and rum, enjoyed a buffet at the wedding which included deep fried foods, ate donuts and it didn't stop when we got home Sunday night.

Feeling hungry for dinner, we stopped for a pizza. Then the week began. I'm in a course this week and its catered so there's a tray of muffins, donuts, cookies and such in the room all day. And yes, I've eaten a donut and a cookie, or two, or three. Why? I don't know. Why is the sky blue? Why does seafood stink to high Heaven? Its not like I haven't brought my usual fruit and salad for the day. I've just been in a weird mood lately where food is concerned. And Red is feeling the same. So we're both sitting there during the evening munching. Sure, we're munching on grapes and pineapple as per usual, but we're also eating cookies, licorice and mini crisps.

And that's not all: I missed the gym Monday and Thursday. Monday I can excuse, we didn't sleep much in Vancouver so by Sunday night, we were exhausted and grabbing an extra hour and a half in bed was necessary. But Thursday, I was just plain lazy. The alarm went off and I just lied there. Red was up getting ready but I just didn't want to. So I stayed in bed the extra 1 1/2hr. Don't even talk to me about the guilt. Plus, on Wednesday, I only did 2/3 of my routine, so overall, it's been a horrid week. I did jump on the scale just out of morbid curiousity Wednesday morning, hoping the damage wasn't too bad and was shocked to see 201.5lbs. Five pounds!?! How in Hell did that happen!?! Fortunately Red was up too which made me feel a bit better. She even tried to blame flying on having an effect on your body, she was kidding of course. The sad part of it all was that instead of strengthening my resolve, I went into the gym and put in a half hearted effort. Then I had a donut at the course.

But for some reason, I'm not feeling too bad about it. Maybe its because I know its only a blip and that I'll take it off again. It sucks taking a step or two backwards but I guess its part of life. I'm confident i'll lose the extra 10-15lbs i want to lose before the wedding next September, there's no rush. I think therein lies my problem: I'm so used to looking at weight from the dieting perspective; can't eat this, can't eat that, must hit the gym 5-6 times a week, must lose at least 2 or more pounds to feel like I'm accomplishing something. Ferchrissakes, I'm not a big fat cow anymore! I'm an average sized guy carrying a few extra pounds which I can lose through the healthier and smarter eating I've learned over the past year. Add to that regular visits to the gym and i'm already way ahead of so many who are struggling with this.

I really am so hard on myself. I know it. I wish I wasn't but I am what I am. Everyone around me sees a very different me than I do. My perspective is so warped I don't think I even see the real me. Red sees me, the me that everyone else sees; The me I can't see. I guess when you come from a negative background where everyone only focuses on the bad things, you don't know how to see things in their proper perspective. My weight has always been an issue for me, long before I was even cognizant of it. And it has shaped my attitudes about myself. I am much more than my weight, I just wish I believed it.

So this weekend we are heading to Red's parents place for her dad's birthday. There'll be beer and cake. Fuck it, I'm in.

Off to Vancouver

Official morning weigh in: 196.5lbs. Up 1 from yesterday but down 1.5 from last week. Onward and downward so to speak!

So as mentioned yesterday, we're off to Vancouver for a wedding. Should be a good time. Not too worried about the diet...or rather....the lifestyle change. After all, with a balanced lifestyle, you're allowed to enjoy things, just in moderation. So here's to enjoying!

Sweet sweet donut

So it's Thursday and this is my last day of work for the week. We are heading out to Vancouver tomorrow for a wedding so I get to enjoy a nice 3 day weekend. Work has been slow as I'm in a course this week and next and its very very dry. I'm not too worried about the weekend foodwise as we did quite well in April when we were there and aside from some food being put out at the wedding and possibly cake, we'll end up just wandering around Vancouver killing time until the ceremony so its all good.

I did jump on the scale today though just out of curiousity and it read 195.5lbs which would be a full 2.5lbs drop from last Friday. I'm not buying this weight as it could just be dehydration or something odd happening, so I'll do my normal weigh in tomorrow and see where I stand. The reason I don't buy it is because I haven't been entirely good this week. I guess for the most part I have but it seems like I've been munching constantly, mostly on grapes and stuff like that, but also on Mini Crispies, crackers and unbelievably, donuts!

Donuts! What the Hell am I thinking? We were sitting there last night after dinner and Red's having cravings. Seems she's had donuts on her mind for a while now (which is weird because she doesn't usually eat them), which leads me to direct her to other snacks we have in the house currently: partially eaten frozen chocolate easter bunny, chocolately Fibre1 bars, fudge she bought a while back, crackers, ice cream and Drumsticks. Nope, nothing seems to work for her although she thanked me for trying to dissuade her. Me, being understanding of cravings and also in a munching mood, suggest we wander over to the Tim Hortons and see what they might have donut wise hoping that at this time of the evening their selection might be poor.

So we head out and walk around the block to the store and lo and behold, they have a nice selection ready. Super. Now I've been wanting donuts too and in this course I'm taking, its catered so there's a selection of baked goods available all day which I've been trying to avoid. I finally broke down yesterday and had a cookie, today was an apple danish, so we ended up buying a 10 pack of Timbits, some type of cream filled donut for her and a double chocolate for me. Again, what the Hell am I thinking!?!

But you know what? I liked it. It was a fantastic donut. But I think I'm done now. And from what I saw on the scale this morning, it didn't hurt me. So maybe I can lighten up a bit? I just wish I could stop munching. Fortunately, most of my munching has been on fruits and crackers, but it would be much better if I just stopped. But we all know that isn't going to happen. At least I'm hitting the gym.

Will try and post quickly tomorrow morning to report this week's official weigh in.

The year in retrospect

Okay, so last week marked the first year anniversary of my return to proper eating and exercising in an attempt to lose weight and settle into a size i'm happy with. Well, it wasn't a return to proper eating per se since I never really ate properly at all....ever. Perhaps better to refer to it as beginning to eat properly and changing bad eating habits forever. As for the gym, it was a return to attending regularly and putting in a decent effort each time which i had gotten away from in recent years.

So when I began this odyssey, I was about 227lbs. After one year, I stand at 198lbs which was my official weight last Friday (I was 196 on Saturday but since that wasn't my official weigh in, I guess it doesn't count). To me, at first look, 29lbs doesn't seem like such a great achievement, not when its not that hard to drop 5-10lbs a month when you're really trying.

But consider this: I dropped quickly during last fall, in fact, by late November I was about 207lbs. But then the Christmas season hit and there were goodies everywhere for the better part of the month...very hard to deal with. It took a while to get used to eating right again, but not before I had gained another 10lbs which I had to lose again. Then factor in Easter. We ended up with more than a few goodies to munch on which led to another disaster, we'll say about 5lbs. There was the trip to Niagara Falls in late June which packed on another 5-7lbs not to mention all the stumbling I suffered with my diet over the year as I learned to deal with giving up or seriously cutting back on the things I love to eat. That was good for another few pounds that needed to be lost again.

And the learning was the hardest part. Even though I decided to do this on my own, no doctor told me to go on a diet for health reasons, Red didn't hassle me about my weight (in fact she loved me as i was even professing to not noticing my bloated belly, God bless her blind soul). In fact, nobody thought I even had a weight problem, or at least they never mentioned it, except me. I was noticing my clothes were getting snug, my belly was protruding, my face rounder and the scale was giving me not so subtle hints that i needed to start taking this seriously again. I made the decision and I stuck with it despite all my kicking and screaming.

One of the biggest changes i made was my movie theatre experience. I'm an avid movie goer and part of my experience is buying the large popcorn and drink combo with extra butter slathered on of course. But after researching the calorie count of this deadly combo, I realized that I simply couldn't do this anymore. One of those large popcorn buckets has about 2000 calories and that's before you add the liquid butter/grease. And the movie chains offer free refills on the large sizes so I was always saddling up to the concession stand for that making for a ridiculously high caloric event. Believe me, this was the biggest issue I had to deal with when I started this. Suddenly going to the movies wasn't as enjoyable as it had been, it felt like part of my experience was missing, and boy did I complain. In fact, I got downright miserable. I know it made Red uncomfortable as I pissed and moaned about not being able to have my popcorn, she even suggested buying a small and not getting the butter on top (how dare she!), but I was inconsolable. That's how strong the association was between the movies and popcorn. I changed things up with rice cakes, fruit, and even nothing at all, but it wasn't the same. I was a good couple of months before I accepted what was and what had to be.

As time went on, I did start to enjoy a pretzel, fries or maybe some M&Ms sometimes, in fact, I've only had popcorn once at the movies in the past year. Not that any of that other stuff is much better, but i don't do it a lot so i think I'm doing well overall considering. But the bitching ended and that's the most important thing as I suspect Red was plotting to smother me in the night if it kept up much longer.

I started to eat lots of fruits and veggies. Gone was the usual pizza on a weekend or other quick take out. In was Subway which is basically the least troublesome choice you can make if you want take out. We normally do this about twice a week, we love Subway. Out was potatoes, rice, bread for most part and heavily sauced meats. We try to keep things light and I think we do a good job of it. Sure, we indulge in a pizza here and there, or ice cream once in a while, but its part of learning moderation and its hard to learn when you've always been an all or nothing type of fatty.

Another big change was getting up at the crack of dawn to hit the gym before work. I'd always gone after work and overall, was pretty good at it. But the last couple of years, I'd gotten lazy and was missing too much. Going in the morning would ensure I'd get my workout in and it had a very practical side, it matched up Red and me's schedules since she works much earlier than I do. This way we'd be tired and ready for bed about the same time...perfect. It does gets hard sometimes when the sun's barely up or its still dark out, but it gives me a jump on the day and after my shower, I'm wide awake and ready to go. So overall, its a good thing.

So getting back to pounds lost, officially it was 29lbs. But unofficially, if you count all the holidays, vacations, and stumbles along the way, it was more like 50. And that makes me realize that despite the small gains here and there, despite those times when it seemed like the scale wasn't moving, I managed to make some real changes and lose a good chunk of weight. And its not just a diet, its a lifestyle change. This is the way I plan to eat the rest of my life. It isn't just some block of time where I'm going to deny myself food and then settle back into old habits once I've lost the desired weight. This is permanent weight loss and a strategy for never having to diet again. I'm still learning that i can have some of my favourite foods, just in moderation. It hasn't been an easy journey so far, but I'm coming along. I'm hoping to meet my goal of 185lbs by Christmas. After that, I'll see what else I think I need to do. But I think 185 is a good weight for me. And I will make it. You'll see.

Back....finally

Wow! Seems like forever since I wrote anything and I guess in the context of blogging, it has been. I was on vacation last week and just didn't get to it. This week I've been busy as all hell at work and the evenings have been time to unwind so there really hasn't been time. Biggest problem is that i usually write while at work since most of the time, I have spare time, but that is going to change as this week has been a write off (pardon the pun), and I'm in courses the next 2 weeks. So I'll have to sit down in the evenings and write when the mood strikes me. And that's much of the problem lately, my mood.

The last few months have been a haze of anti-depression medication as I try to find something to stabilize the serotonin levels in my brain and even me out. I've always been depressive and was on something a few years ago that helped quite a bit but went off it due to costs at the time. I returned to the same meds recently, but this time, while working wonderfully, they produced a few unpleasant side effects which I simply could not live with and since then, I've been trying to find something that will work just as well without all the complications. And so far, nada. So I've decided to just try and deal with my moods in other ways. What those other ways are, I have no idea yet. I'll tell you this much, having to deal with depression at the same time I'm dealing with diet is no party. But then again, this has been my whole life.

This morning I did my Friday weigh in and was sitting at 198lbs. I can live with that as usually when I'm on holiday, I tend to gain at least 5lbs. This time I managed to only gain a couple as I did step on the scale Monday and weighed 199lbs. So my week back at the gym and work managed to burn off a pound. I expect next week to yield similar results and i hope to come in about 196-197lbs.

I'll be back either later or over the weekend with some stuff i've been thinking about.